Reality Versus the Dream: Why We Stay Single for so Long

I read an article the other day that talked about standards people set for their potential partners. Whether it be height, income, build, education, we've all built ourselves an ideal 'type' at one point. In my eyes, he was tall, funny, handsome and compassionate. He would have the soul of a dreamer, the heart of a warrior and unwavering values, be determined and have a passion for life. He was my ideal guy, and I always imagined he would enter my life in some epic way. Some 80's song would play as a light shined down on him, as if the powers that be were sending him right to me. Everyone else around would fade away, disappearing just as he sauntered up to me, giving him the perfect opportunity to introduce himself and in some way, tell me that I was the only person in his universe. Though that guy may exist in a John Hughes film, the idea of being hung up on a dream often prevents one from living in reality. 

Reality forces us to prioritize the most important things in our ideal mate, and we only start to do that once we have stepped out into the world and see it in all its unfiltered glory. Once we do, we start to realize that priority is something to consider and we must determine what ranks higher on our list of ideal traits. For example, I found that intelligence and confidence rank higher than brawn or good looks. It became evident as I dated, got involved and developed relationships with men, that what I wanted and needed are two different things. My match is a man who is secure in himself, who can make me laugh and someone whose shoulder I can cry on if the need arises,  rather than being blessed with long pretty eyelashes, muscles and a beautiful smile.  Instead of the handsome guy that lived in my dreams and held a radio outside my window in the rain, I wanted the guy whose face I'd wake up to for the rest of my life, until I'm old and greyed, safely in the real world.

So if you have yet to find your partner, ask yourself if you have made that list of priorities or if you don't wish to make the compromise. If you are willing to take the gamble, give the person who has 8 out of 10 of your requirements a shot, date someone unexpected, with whom you feel a chemistry. Go into it with no expectations, reservations or hopes. They just might end up being your Prince/Princess Charming.

Regrets in Love...

I often find myself asking why things happen. I've found that in terms of love, one could sit and wonder for hours about how things may have gone completely cray-cray. Was breaking up with the guy who loved me but was nowhere near as interesting as watching paint dry...the best decision, considering the next guy was exciting but a major asshole? Is following your heart always the best decision or can it lead you astray? 

In talking to the girls, I find that I'm not alone in these thoughts. They, like me, wonder about decisions they have mad, especially as we are inching closer to marriage years. The thought is, did a rash and perhaps hasty decision cause me to never be with 'The One'? And since such decision was made, will I spend the remainder of my life alone? Have I squandered my shot at love? 

The answer is simple. No, you haven't. An ex is that for a reason. A relationship did not work for a reason. Whether it be your fault or theirs, whether it be circumstance, other people or natural progression...that door closed for a reason. Revisiting that is a recipe for disaster.  So, unless you like disaster, like I tell my girls, let that one go, pour yourself a drink (with alcohol if 21, virgin if not) and move on. 

Xo,

Ashley

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Shawty, Lemme Help You with Those Bags...

Let's all say that evil word together: baggage. Now breathe. Realize it exists. You have either dealt with someone who has it or were the person who has it. Breathe again and slowly. For all those who are the ones carrying bags, I'm about to drop a BOMB on you.

You are your own baggage and it very well may be why you are single. Look at it from the perspective of grocery shopping. When you walk in the doors of the store and you see all the pretty, fresh and luscious produce..and if you want an apple, you'll head to the apple bin. When you get there, sure you may notice that banged up apple, you may even pick it up to see if it has just one rough spot or several, but chances are, it's not going in your basket. It might, if the store was offering a huge discount on apples with bruises that day, but more than likely it isn't and that bruised apple is never going to leave the store. Not when there are other bruise-free apples to choose from. If you view each hurt, drama, pain, lie or point of emotional anguish as a bruise, and yourself as an apple, then it's no wonder why you aren't getting selected. And let's be honest, you want to be selected. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't.

So before you chalk it up and say that you can't accept that you are your own baggage, consider it from a broader perspective. When you have a suspicion that you are being taken advantage of, before you investigate it, you have a gut feeling that you follow, right? Something inspires you to think that maybe something is off in the bigger picture. That thing can come from a past instance where you or someone else was taken advantage of, or something not adding up. Imagine if you didn't have those initial indications that something was not right. Imagine if you went into situations with no basis for comparison. In terms of relationships, in those instances, you'd be someone who was simply unbiased. Think of baggage in the same manner...if you didn't carry it or let it affect you, you wouldn't have anything to indicate that initial feeling. However, while some could argue that doing so would leave you open to being hurt, but I argue that you should not forget those experiences happened, just don't automatically go to them in moments of conflict. Allow the experience into the equation, but not the turmoil that it brought. You can't change the past, but you can change how you let it impact your future.

Baggage is created by you and it can just as easily be eliminated by you. That's right, I said it. You can get rid of those bags just as easily as you picked them up and packed them in the first place. It's on you to carry them forward, or leave them in the carousel for Lost and Found.

Is He/She Into Me....or Not?

As I wrote in my first blog entry, I've given out tons of love advice. In fact, I've given out so much that people asked me why it took me so long to start blogging. It started out as basic advice while in high school, and then went into college and then graduated into my radio show. The show was basic, on Internet mostly, and featured various genres music, all of my own choosing. I tried to feature a mix of previously unreleased songs by well-known artists, as well as artists that were not as known. Then, at the height of the show, I'd announce my 15 minute segment where listeners could call in and ask me questions. Initially, I started out thinking it would be mostly music related, but as the questions became about music suggestions for different environments, the segment soon became one of giving advice. All topics were covered, but eventually the segment came to be about love problems and issues. During that time, I heard a wide range of topics, from the most basic to things that would make Maury Povich cringe. I thanked my listeners over and over for the ability to not only connect with them personally, but for their belief in me and my ability to try to advise them.

Over time, there became a bit of repetition with the questions that focused on relationships. The one that was the most asked, hands down, was how to tell if someone was interested in them on a romantic level. How can I tell if the person I'm into even likes me?

As each situation varies, and circumstance per couple aren't the same across the board, there are simple ways to know if you are on their radar and that you aren't in that 'friend zone'. I've listed some below, so if any of these apply to you and your situation, you are definitely one step ahead of the curve, so to speak. Do not assume they are in like simply because one situation has occurred, however, keep in mind that there should be combinations.

He/She pays attention to the small details. If you mention something in passing, and it gets brought up later, either in action or in conversation, signs that they retain information related to you is a sign of interest. The big details are easy, but the small things show they are focused on you. For example, I dated a guy who took me to a Mexican place, and I stated that I strongly disliked cilantro . A few days later, I was craving carne asada tacos. In his attempts to impress me, he brought some to me, minus the cilantro. When I asked him how he knew, he responded, "The last time we had Mexican, you said it tastes like soap." Sadly, he isn't Mr. Robin, but he got mucho points for remembering.

You have mirroring body language. The next time you go out with someone, pay attention to their feet and hips. One of my favorite subjects in psych class was studying body language in couples. Studies have shown that the couples with the most chemistry and emotional attraction sit with their feet towards each other, their hips pointed towards each other and their chests towards each other. Also, if you make a gesture, and they respond in kind with something similar, chances are they are into you. (Example: you start to walk in step with each other).

They ask your advice. The biggest indicator of what your role in someone's life is the value that they place on you. If they have something on their brain, and we can all tell when someone does, typically a problem they share with you, is huge. If your mate were someone who placed a value on their career, for example, and were to share that they felt they were due for a promotion or raise, and seek your advice on how to get it, take note that to them, your opinion matters. You can also draw the conclusion that you matter as well. Now this isn't always indicative of them liking you, as friends are often sought for advice...so you should definitely tread lightly if this is your sole indicator.

You sense there is some chemistry between you, but others do too. I always say it is easier to see things happening with others than it is to see them in terms of yourself. It's why girls ask other girls how they look in clothes...sometimes it takes the view of an outsider to affirm our thoughts or feelings that we look good in an lutfit or not. So if others pick up on the chemistry between you and the object of your eye and comment on it, the more likely it is that something is there. But if they don't see it, it may not be there, so prepare yourself for that as well. Consider this before making a move.

They stare. Hard. Research shows that men and women connect and can form a connection with someone almost immediately with their eyes and I'm not talking about by assessing your physical assets. I have a friend who believes that eye contact is the best way to connect with the women he meets. So, whenever he went out to meet women, he'd find the one he was the most intrigued by, and get her to lock eyes with him. Not in a creepy way, but just casual glances. He told me that it helped him gauge her interest in him, but also created that connection. In cases where the woman saw him looking, but didn't keep his gaze or looked away and did not look back, he knew she was not interested and cut his losses before embarrassing himself. He looked for the eyes, and then some other small gesture, like a subtle smile, a wink or a slight bite of the lips. You could easily look for the same, whether it be a nod, head tilt, twirl of the hair, etc. I've tried that in situations where i wanted to get noticed, and it does not disappoint. People typically don't lock eyes with people they are in the friend zone with. But be careful, as you don't want to come off creepy. I recommend trying this method with a friend to gauge how much is too much. Have fun with it, get comfortable, make it natural.

They take an interest in the things you like. I will openly admit that I love to decompress by watching television and playing video games. In my mind, few things can compare to shooting the head off of a blood-crazed zombie. However, a secret obsession of mine that I'll share now, is curling up on the couch and enjoying the television shows Snapped and Bridezillas. I was involved with someone who had absolutely no interest in either show, but one lazy Sunday, he was reading a magazine and a new episode of Bridezillas came on television. Initially, he moaned and groaned about my having it on the TV, but after a while, was laughing right along with me as these women going into screaming fits, and joking with me about becoming like them. Eventually, it became a bit of a routine, and if we were relaxing and an episode came on, he watched it alongside me without complaint. Some could say it was because he liked the shows, which he now will say he sorta does, but he never would have given it a shot had I not asked him to humor me.

I could go on and on about more ways, but if a combination of these apply to you, chances are, you aren't a friend. Relationships are formed due to emotional, physical and mental connections. One form alone won't be enough, but if you have specific questions, feel free to email me directly and I'll do what I can to help. As always, share, comment and subscribe if you like what you read.

 

Ashley Robin

 

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An Alpha, A Beta and You... (Part Two)

Sorry for the delay in posting, I'm working on several new posts now to play catch up.

In the first part, I talked about my friend Taylor* who was by all definition of the word, an 'alpha female'. Strong, sassy, sexy and confident, she knew what she wanted in a man and was not willing to settle. But, she was alone. One morning, over coffee, she asked me why. I could have given her a lot of "Oh you're great, and blah blah blah...", but I told her the truth. If you ask me my exact words, I'm pretty sure I said, "It isn't that you're too picky, you're just a world-class bitch." She was in disbelief. I'd tell any woman who was like my friend Taylor, that if you want a man to want you, you're gonna have to work on some things and face some harsh realities. As I could make a long list, and I don't want to bore anyone, I'll just speak on the five most common that I've seen, as I've known many a Taylor in my time.

We All Know You Can Take Care of Yourself, Boo. But He's Gotta Know HE Can, Too.
Taylor was raised to be independent and strong. However, being able to do for oneself as a single person does not mean you cut off an attempt to let someone help you once in a while. Men respect a woman that can do for herself, yes, but they won't marry someone who doesn't understand the idea of teamwork. Men have a need to guard and protect their home, and their woman. We all know you CAN do it, but imagine how much of a man he'll feel like knowing he was able to come to your aid, even if it's taking out the trash or putting together a piece of furniture. Besides, your manicure will last longer. Even Beyoncė became Mrs. Carter...**

You Are His Partner, Not His GPS.
Taylor, like most women of her nature, wanted to know where her guy was at all times. It was not due to insecurity or fear of cheating, but because she wanted to establish his routine. If her boyfriend got off work at 5pm, and his ride home was an hour, she expected him home no later than 6, maybe a few minutes more if traffic was bad. She does this because some women who are raised in her manner are often controlling. The controlling types are often creatures of routine, and if that routine varies, a man will easily walk into the 20 questions when they get home. The thing you have to ask yourself is, what man wants that...to walk home to a million questions about why they weren't home at the specified time? Men for the most part, are pretty easygoing. They crave stress-free lives as being a provider and strong is hard enough. You won't get very far by questioning his whereabouts every second of everyday. I am not saying you can't ask. Just know the difference between asking and consistently nagging. And yes, there is a difference.**

Realize He isn't a Pet Project.
Taylor was the girl who always believed a man was a project. Somehow, he needed improvement, whether it be his job, his personal style, his apartment and so on. And while that very well may have been the case, women like Taylor often confuse natural growth and development with making it their mission to change their men into what they view he should be. In doing so, it no longer becomes about his wants, needs, desires and passions as a man. If he dissents, it leads to arguments, which will lead to a breakup. She views it as help, he saw it as her attempt to control and dominate. In the long run, you have to know that people are who they are. Sometimes, it's just best to accept who and what they are, love them for it and let them be.**'

Can Dish It Out, but Can't Take It
If Taylor found a guy who she was clicking with, eventually she would tell me that she was finding small things wrong with him. I'd ask her if she had made these things known to him. In cases where she had, she was almost sure to tell me he'd said something was wrong with her. Instead of seeing where he came from, she was almost insulted. As if she were a perfect being. When I asked her to imagine how he felt about the criticism, she'd brush me off. Ironically, not too long after, they'd break up. Know that in relationships, you have to be prepared to get what you give. **

Have Plenty of Bags, But Where Are You Going?
Everyone has baggage. Some people view baggage as things going on today, others in the past. For some, baggage is people, others situations or circumstances. A woman like Taylor, her baggage is the inability to trust or have faith in anyone but herself. Due to her dominating nature, trust issues and hurt from having bad relationships in the past, Taylor and her type bring a lot of emotional baggage into any new relationship, which causes problems and creates more baggage. It creates a cycle, which has to be broken by learning to set the bags down at the door. For many in Taylor's position, man or woman, this would be the hardest of all issues to overcome, because it means to not judge someone based on the behavior of someone else, which could cause hurt. It could. But, if you are picking the right people to involve yourself with, you shouldn't be hurt. In 2013, both men and women make the choice to carry that baggage for themselves, no one else. So why not try putting it down. You'll feel lighter, your arms won't be as tired and maybe there'll be fireworks.**

You could be a woman like Taylor if one or all of the above apply to you. In Taylor's case, she had been programmed so long to support herself, there was no room for anyone else, and if a guy came along, she had too many hurdles to deal with, so any guy who was interested found himself scared off. She was either too emotionally scarred, too critical, too nitpicking, too controlling and nagging or just plain too stubborn to let anyone help her. How to help someone like a Taylor, or how to change if you are a Taylor? Stay tuned to this blog, and I'll tell you what transpired.

Ashley Robin

If you like or don't like what you've read, feel free to drop me a line in the comments section. Also, subscribe for more postings. Also, if you have a love, sex or relationship problem, feel free to share via comment or message me directly. All names mentioned in questions, situations and stories will be kept confidential.

*name changed
**Will be addressed in a future blog post all on its own, so stay tuned!

An Alpha, A Beta and You...

In language, the 'alpha' is often used to position in a social hierarchy, essentially being the first. The phrase "alpha male" or "alpha female" probably comes to mind. In terms of that same social hierarchy, 'beta' is second.  

In every relationship, whether it be a parent and child, a teacher and student, or a romantic relationship regardless of gender, there's an Alpha and a Beta. I have a good friend, Taylor*, who is a beautiful and smart woman. She's recently had some success in her career, has a nice apartment, good sense of family and can take care of herself. But no matter what she does, she can't find a guy. So, she calls me in a bout of frustration and asks me the question I hear all the time, in different variations. "Ashley, I need to know. Why don't I have a man?" 

My response was simple: "Taylor, as much as I love you and value you, I have to tell you the truth. No offense, but you are a class A, ball-busting, overly demanding bitch. And the honest truth is, the kind of guy you want..does NOT want a bitch." I remember her gasps even now. But it was the honest truth. Let me say that there's nothing wrong with being demanding. If it will go in your body, come into your home, become a factor into your work, affect your children, etc...please demand perfection all you wish. Know that you may not get 100% though, because when it comes to people, you can't expect perfection. Why? It simply doesn't exist. 

Taylor had a reality to face in her truth. She was asking too much of a guy, was making too many demands right away and in turn, causing confrontation with guys who had strong boyfriend potential, and scaring away guys that had already dealt with demanding women and didn't want to deal with another.

There's a way you can test to see if you're too demanding like my friend Taylor, especially in relationships. I'll discuss that in Part 2. 


Ashley Robin

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*name has been changed

He Chose his Xbox over Me

As many of you know, I'm new to the idea of blogging my relationship/love/sex advice. The response has been amazing, with over 300 views in less than four days and all the calls, texts, tweets, etc..encouraging me to keep up the good work. I am so appreciative of it all. I hope that you guys comment, give me feedback as this thing grows and grows. Anyway, I got TEN questions to my email and Facebook page..and the plan is to make one for this page today, so when I get it done, I'll add it. Til then, if you have a question you want an answer to, comment below and I'll reach out to you directly. All identities will be kept anonymous. And so here goes..my first question.

Ashley, you've been the girl I've gone to for relationship advice for years. I think its great you have decided to share your talents with the world, though I find I'm a bit greedy as I didn't want to give up my personal relationship counselor. Anyway, you know I've been involved with Kevin* for a while. Usually, he's been demanding in terms of our sex life, but lately, he's been almost so-so about it. I even got dismissed for video games, and I was ready to go! I hate to ask, but do you think he's not interested in me anymore? Could he be cheating on me and just doesn't have that urge? Is there anything I can do? Anything you can think of, I'd appreciate, because you know I love him to death.

*cracks knuckles*

Well, my friend, first let me give thanks for the support. I got your back, even if this turns into a huge thing, so no worries there. Second, let me give the readers some background. This is my friend Stacey* who I have known since college. She's a beautiful, smart and funny girl. She and Kevin have been exclusive for a while, and they moved in together what feels like a while ago. She loves him, he loves her. But as someone giving her advice, do you see what I see?

Stacey referred to Kevin as being "demanding in terms of our sex life". Eek! If she's calling him that to someone she's getting advice from, imagine what she's thinking about him. It doesn't sound like she's enthusiastic about sex with the man she loves...no wonder he's not! See, sex is supposed to not only be a way to connect to and with your partner, a physical act to give love to them and blah blah, but its also supposed to be fun! For all we know, Stacey, you could be emitting vibes that you're more into staining hardwood floors than letting your man wax you down with some hot oil! Now I know Kevin, and I don't get cheating vibe from him, but if you don't want him tempted, I suggest you try to spice things up...take charge. Maybe instead of waiting for him to designate when he's ready, know that he's a guy (and most pretty much are ready if you give them that face..), announce that you are and lead him into the bedroom, kitchen, wherever you want, and have at him.

So here's my suggestion: When you know he's at work, send him either a naughty pic or text explaining to him in length how much you want him and desire him. Stroke his ego by telling him something he does to you that always makes you feel good, how much you can't wait for that to happen again. If you aren't that good with words, text him a picture of yourself (face not needed for the shy or sensitive types) in your sexy underwear, etc. Let him come home ready to pounce on you...but instead, you take control. During the act, let him know how good he feels, how strong he is, how much you missed him since the last time you were together, etc.

Then, when you have that sensual craving down, start thinking about how sex is initiated. Who does it? How often? If its mostly him, then start to initiate it more. Try to keep a rough idea of who does what, and try to equal it out, because if sex is always on him, and lets say you turn him down (you have a headache, work to catch up on, time of the month, whatever the reason), he will begin to associate asking with possibly being turned down. And though men don't act like it, one of their biggest fears is rejection. Speaking of which, prepare yourself to be rejected too...that video game might be his way to relax or destress, and rather him take out his anger on Grand Theft Auto than you. You may even want to ask him how he feels about your sex life, if there's anything you can do to improve things, because honestly, if you don't tend to your man, there's someone who will. Same goes for the fellas...ladies fight off attention everyday, one way or another and the idea of a relationship is to ENJOY each other. So quit reading, and get to sexing!!^

Hope this helps!

If you like this or have an opinion, please share, subscribe and comment below! Have a question? Contact me through the comments below! Just keep it clean, no personal attacks or disrespectful comments will be tolerated.

Ashley Robin

*names have been changed

^sex should always be safe, so don't forget the latex or polyurethane condoms!

 

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