Let's all say that evil word together: baggage. Now breathe. Realize it exists. You have either dealt with someone who has it or were the person who has it. Breathe again and slowly. For all those who are the ones carrying bags, I'm about to drop a BOMB on you.
You are your own baggage and it very well may be why you are single. Look at it from the perspective of grocery shopping. When you walk in the doors of the store and you see all the pretty, fresh and luscious produce..and if you want an apple, you'll head to the apple bin. When you get there, sure you may notice that banged up apple, you may even pick it up to see if it has just one rough spot or several, but chances are, it's not going in your basket. It might, if the store was offering a huge discount on apples with bruises that day, but more than likely it isn't and that bruised apple is never going to leave the store. Not when there are other bruise-free apples to choose from. If you view each hurt, drama, pain, lie or point of emotional anguish as a bruise, and yourself as an apple, then it's no wonder why you aren't getting selected. And let's be honest, you want to be selected. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't.
So before you chalk it up and say that you can't accept that you are your own baggage, consider it from a broader perspective. When you have a suspicion that you are being taken advantage of, before you investigate it, you have a gut feeling that you follow, right? Something inspires you to think that maybe something is off in the bigger picture. That thing can come from a past instance where you or someone else was taken advantage of, or something not adding up. Imagine if you didn't have those initial indications that something was not right. Imagine if you went into situations with no basis for comparison. In terms of relationships, in those instances, you'd be someone who was simply unbiased. Think of baggage in the same manner...if you didn't carry it or let it affect you, you wouldn't have anything to indicate that initial feeling. However, while some could argue that doing so would leave you open to being hurt, but I argue that you should not forget those experiences happened, just don't automatically go to them in moments of conflict. Allow the experience into the equation, but not the turmoil that it brought. You can't change the past, but you can change how you let it impact your future.
Baggage is created by you and it can just as easily be eliminated by you. That's right, I said it. You can get rid of those bags just as easily as you picked them up and packed them in the first place. It's on you to carry them forward, or leave them in the carousel for Lost and Found.
Showing posts with label drama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drama. Show all posts
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
An Alpha, A Beta and You... (Part Two)
Sorry for the delay in posting, I'm working on several new posts now to play catch up.
In the first part, I talked about my friend Taylor* who was by all definition of the word, an 'alpha female'. Strong, sassy, sexy and confident, she knew what she wanted in a man and was not willing to settle. But, she was alone. One morning, over coffee, she asked me why. I could have given her a lot of "Oh you're great, and blah blah blah...", but I told her the truth. If you ask me my exact words, I'm pretty sure I said, "It isn't that you're too picky, you're just a world-class bitch." She was in disbelief. I'd tell any woman who was like my friend Taylor, that if you want a man to want you, you're gonna have to work on some things and face some harsh realities. As I could make a long list, and I don't want to bore anyone, I'll just speak on the five most common that I've seen, as I've known many a Taylor in my time.
We All Know You Can Take Care of Yourself, Boo. But He's Gotta Know HE Can, Too.
Taylor was raised to be independent and strong. However, being able to do for oneself as a single person does not mean you cut off an attempt to let someone help you once in a while. Men respect a woman that can do for herself, yes, but they won't marry someone who doesn't understand the idea of teamwork. Men have a need to guard and protect their home, and their woman. We all know you CAN do it, but imagine how much of a man he'll feel like knowing he was able to come to your aid, even if it's taking out the trash or putting together a piece of furniture. Besides, your manicure will last longer. Even Beyoncė became Mrs. Carter...**
You Are His Partner, Not His GPS.
Taylor, like most women of her nature, wanted to know where her guy was at all times. It was not due to insecurity or fear of cheating, but because she wanted to establish his routine. If her boyfriend got off work at 5pm, and his ride home was an hour, she expected him home no later than 6, maybe a few minutes more if traffic was bad. She does this because some women who are raised in her manner are often controlling. The controlling types are often creatures of routine, and if that routine varies, a man will easily walk into the 20 questions when they get home. The thing you have to ask yourself is, what man wants that...to walk home to a million questions about why they weren't home at the specified time? Men for the most part, are pretty easygoing. They crave stress-free lives as being a provider and strong is hard enough. You won't get very far by questioning his whereabouts every second of everyday. I am not saying you can't ask. Just know the difference between asking and consistently nagging. And yes, there is a difference.**
Realize He isn't a Pet Project.
Taylor was the girl who always believed a man was a project. Somehow, he needed improvement, whether it be his job, his personal style, his apartment and so on. And while that very well may have been the case, women like Taylor often confuse natural growth and development with making it their mission to change their men into what they view he should be. In doing so, it no longer becomes about his wants, needs, desires and passions as a man. If he dissents, it leads to arguments, which will lead to a breakup. She views it as help, he saw it as her attempt to control and dominate. In the long run, you have to know that people are who they are. Sometimes, it's just best to accept who and what they are, love them for it and let them be.**'
Can Dish It Out, but Can't Take It
If Taylor found a guy who she was clicking with, eventually she would tell me that she was finding small things wrong with him. I'd ask her if she had made these things known to him. In cases where she had, she was almost sure to tell me he'd said something was wrong with her. Instead of seeing where he came from, she was almost insulted. As if she were a perfect being. When I asked her to imagine how he felt about the criticism, she'd brush me off. Ironically, not too long after, they'd break up. Know that in relationships, you have to be prepared to get what you give. **
Have Plenty of Bags, But Where Are You Going?
Everyone has baggage. Some people view baggage as things going on today, others in the past. For some, baggage is people, others situations or circumstances. A woman like Taylor, her baggage is the inability to trust or have faith in anyone but herself. Due to her dominating nature, trust issues and hurt from having bad relationships in the past, Taylor and her type bring a lot of emotional baggage into any new relationship, which causes problems and creates more baggage. It creates a cycle, which has to be broken by learning to set the bags down at the door. For many in Taylor's position, man or woman, this would be the hardest of all issues to overcome, because it means to not judge someone based on the behavior of someone else, which could cause hurt. It could. But, if you are picking the right people to involve yourself with, you shouldn't be hurt. In 2013, both men and women make the choice to carry that baggage for themselves, no one else. So why not try putting it down. You'll feel lighter, your arms won't be as tired and maybe there'll be fireworks.**
You could be a woman like Taylor if one or all of the above apply to you. In Taylor's case, she had been programmed so long to support herself, there was no room for anyone else, and if a guy came along, she had too many hurdles to deal with, so any guy who was interested found himself scared off. She was either too emotionally scarred, too critical, too nitpicking, too controlling and nagging or just plain too stubborn to let anyone help her. How to help someone like a Taylor, or how to change if you are a Taylor? Stay tuned to this blog, and I'll tell you what transpired.
Ashley Robin
If you like or don't like what you've read, feel free to drop me a line in the comments section. Also, subscribe for more postings. Also, if you have a love, sex or relationship problem, feel free to share via comment or message me directly. All names mentioned in questions, situations and stories will be kept confidential.
*name changed
**Will be addressed in a future blog post all on its own, so stay tuned!
In the first part, I talked about my friend Taylor* who was by all definition of the word, an 'alpha female'. Strong, sassy, sexy and confident, she knew what she wanted in a man and was not willing to settle. But, she was alone. One morning, over coffee, she asked me why. I could have given her a lot of "Oh you're great, and blah blah blah...", but I told her the truth. If you ask me my exact words, I'm pretty sure I said, "It isn't that you're too picky, you're just a world-class bitch." She was in disbelief. I'd tell any woman who was like my friend Taylor, that if you want a man to want you, you're gonna have to work on some things and face some harsh realities. As I could make a long list, and I don't want to bore anyone, I'll just speak on the five most common that I've seen, as I've known many a Taylor in my time.
We All Know You Can Take Care of Yourself, Boo. But He's Gotta Know HE Can, Too.
Taylor was raised to be independent and strong. However, being able to do for oneself as a single person does not mean you cut off an attempt to let someone help you once in a while. Men respect a woman that can do for herself, yes, but they won't marry someone who doesn't understand the idea of teamwork. Men have a need to guard and protect their home, and their woman. We all know you CAN do it, but imagine how much of a man he'll feel like knowing he was able to come to your aid, even if it's taking out the trash or putting together a piece of furniture. Besides, your manicure will last longer. Even Beyoncė became Mrs. Carter...**
You Are His Partner, Not His GPS.
Taylor, like most women of her nature, wanted to know where her guy was at all times. It was not due to insecurity or fear of cheating, but because she wanted to establish his routine. If her boyfriend got off work at 5pm, and his ride home was an hour, she expected him home no later than 6, maybe a few minutes more if traffic was bad. She does this because some women who are raised in her manner are often controlling. The controlling types are often creatures of routine, and if that routine varies, a man will easily walk into the 20 questions when they get home. The thing you have to ask yourself is, what man wants that...to walk home to a million questions about why they weren't home at the specified time? Men for the most part, are pretty easygoing. They crave stress-free lives as being a provider and strong is hard enough. You won't get very far by questioning his whereabouts every second of everyday. I am not saying you can't ask. Just know the difference between asking and consistently nagging. And yes, there is a difference.**
Realize He isn't a Pet Project.
Taylor was the girl who always believed a man was a project. Somehow, he needed improvement, whether it be his job, his personal style, his apartment and so on. And while that very well may have been the case, women like Taylor often confuse natural growth and development with making it their mission to change their men into what they view he should be. In doing so, it no longer becomes about his wants, needs, desires and passions as a man. If he dissents, it leads to arguments, which will lead to a breakup. She views it as help, he saw it as her attempt to control and dominate. In the long run, you have to know that people are who they are. Sometimes, it's just best to accept who and what they are, love them for it and let them be.**'
Can Dish It Out, but Can't Take It
If Taylor found a guy who she was clicking with, eventually she would tell me that she was finding small things wrong with him. I'd ask her if she had made these things known to him. In cases where she had, she was almost sure to tell me he'd said something was wrong with her. Instead of seeing where he came from, she was almost insulted. As if she were a perfect being. When I asked her to imagine how he felt about the criticism, she'd brush me off. Ironically, not too long after, they'd break up. Know that in relationships, you have to be prepared to get what you give. **
Have Plenty of Bags, But Where Are You Going?
Everyone has baggage. Some people view baggage as things going on today, others in the past. For some, baggage is people, others situations or circumstances. A woman like Taylor, her baggage is the inability to trust or have faith in anyone but herself. Due to her dominating nature, trust issues and hurt from having bad relationships in the past, Taylor and her type bring a lot of emotional baggage into any new relationship, which causes problems and creates more baggage. It creates a cycle, which has to be broken by learning to set the bags down at the door. For many in Taylor's position, man or woman, this would be the hardest of all issues to overcome, because it means to not judge someone based on the behavior of someone else, which could cause hurt. It could. But, if you are picking the right people to involve yourself with, you shouldn't be hurt. In 2013, both men and women make the choice to carry that baggage for themselves, no one else. So why not try putting it down. You'll feel lighter, your arms won't be as tired and maybe there'll be fireworks.**
You could be a woman like Taylor if one or all of the above apply to you. In Taylor's case, she had been programmed so long to support herself, there was no room for anyone else, and if a guy came along, she had too many hurdles to deal with, so any guy who was interested found himself scared off. She was either too emotionally scarred, too critical, too nitpicking, too controlling and nagging or just plain too stubborn to let anyone help her. How to help someone like a Taylor, or how to change if you are a Taylor? Stay tuned to this blog, and I'll tell you what transpired.
Ashley Robin
If you like or don't like what you've read, feel free to drop me a line in the comments section. Also, subscribe for more postings. Also, if you have a love, sex or relationship problem, feel free to share via comment or message me directly. All names mentioned in questions, situations and stories will be kept confidential.
*name changed
**Will be addressed in a future blog post all on its own, so stay tuned!
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